Cafcass, time slipping by

After the family mediation report was done we were able set a date for court to go back and tell them that me and Sarah were unable to mediate.

I knew Sarah wouldn’t have been able too, not just by the fact she’d originally refused to do it but it’s not in her to be accountable and mediation would require her to have taken some responsibility.

So, as even the worst judges in the family court sector would be reluctant not try and improve the situation as it was, I knew that going back into court for the hearing the judge would instruct CAFCASS to open a case and review the situation as it stood.

If I recall CAFCASS were in in attendance that day. Quite often in the family courts because there are so many cases going at on at any given time CAFCASS will attend and sit in each hearing to see if they are going to be instructed.

Typically on a first hearing they would try and reject the instruction and encourage the parents to work it out themselves but as this was now our second hearing in the second court case against Sarah and the fact that mediation had failed when the judge instructed that CAFCASS needed to be involved in the case, they were unable to push back.

So, enter Jacqui Knott. Was she in attendance that day? I can’t be sure but what I can say is that we had a god relationship from the outset and I did feel that right upto until the very end of the proceedings she wanted to help, she just could not understand why Sonny was saying what he was saying. Her intentions really were to try and help and get me and Sonny back together. She failed me and Sonny in the end as she was ultimately intimidated by the pediatricians that Sonny was now under.

For a while though she did behave in a constructive manner, did give us a little bit of hop but ultimately her final report which is was what forced me to withdraw proceedings.

Jacqui was a very experienced CAFCASS officer and I’m pretty sure she had seen the worst of the worst when it came to parental alienation. This was the 2nd time I’d had to take Sarah to court. OK, Sarah was using Sonny as the scapegoat in this case but Jacqui knew there was no smoke without fire. There was no good reason why Sonny shouldn’t want to have his Dad.

From the get go Jacqui wanted to reestablish contact with me and Sonny, immediately. She really wanted to get us together. Remember this is CAFCASS, they are ultra cautious as they are court appointed so they have to be very careful in what they advise. However Jacqui was aware of the previous court proceedings. She had heard my story from the minute Sarah had become pregnant. She had read the previous CAFCASS work, she had read the mediation reports and from her perspective there was no good reason for us to be in this position. So she attempted resolve matters ASPAP.

Her idea was to get me and Sonny together - So she proposed that we meet on neutral ground and in her presence. Where did she pick, CAFCASS’s office in Derby. It was 80 miles away from me but it didn’t matter, it was important that we tried to resolve things asap.

I arrived on time and I was taken to a meeting room to wait for Sonny to arrive. I was sat in the room and the door was open to the main reception area. I heard Sonny arrive with Sarah and Jacqui was advised they were hear. She went out of the room to greet them and explain that I was in the room and that she (Jacqui) was going to sit in with us so we can all have a chat. The idea was to just get us together. It was never intended to be anything heavy, we weren’t trying to resolve everything there and then, Jacqui just wanted to see us together.

Anyway, things turned sour quickly. I could hear Sonny complaining about being there and trying to leave. I could also hear Jacqui trying to talk to him, telling him everything was OK and really not to worry about anything.

I could hear footsteps coming towards the door and very slowly through the corner of my eye I saw my little mate appear.

He was taller than when I’d last saw him but he looked the same. Dressed head to toe in what looked like an Argentina Football Tracksuit if I recall, I said “Hiya Sonny”…..his response was “I don’t want to come in , I want to leave” and just turned around and walked out, he never actually made it into the room.

Jacqui followed him and I could hear her desperately trying to talk to Sonny and his Mum, to convince them to stay….then, the door went……they left.

Jacqui appeared at the doorway to the room that I was in – white as a ghost! She was a little bit shook up and said “they’ve gone, Sonny didn’t want to stay and Sarah just said she was going to take him”.

She sat down next to me and there was a silence for what seemed like about 20 minutes but was more like 10 seconds. I broke the silence, “You should have let me speak to him Jacqui, you shouldn’t have let Sarah just take him”.

She just stared straight ahead, I can only assume, realising that this was going to be a bigger challenge than she had imagined.

Jacqui had good reason to believe that as there was no good reason at all, from what she’d seen or heard, for Sonny to withdraw himself from us.

My advice to her was that I honestly didn’t think it was a good idea to do the meeting in that type of setting and it would be better if we did something together, the three of us – whether that be a walk in a park, some food in a restaurant, something in a better setting for us all. I thought that a sterile meeting room in a contact centre was not the right approach for Sonny but I suppose she did what she thought was right.

Did I think I could have made a difference if Sonny had have stayed that day – I do yes. I believe that when Sonny decided to leave that day in August 2013 he thought after it that he was in trouble, he wasn’t. We would have tried to get to the bottom of why he’d done it at some point but he was an 8 year old child in the middle of separated parents. He didn’t realise what he was doing.

He may say that I’m not giving his decision making the respect it deserves but I don’t believe an 8 year old would willing severer his relationship with his day and his whole paternal family if he truly knew the impact on us all.

Whether he believes it or not, Sonny would have beenm uch better with his Dad, Grandad, Nana, Auntie, Cousin and all other extended family members in his life.

He likely thought, well I don’t need him or them, I have my house with my Mum and she will buy me what I want – but we were weren’t replaceable in that way. We were his only Dad, his only paternal Grandad, his only paternal Nana, is only paternal Auntie ete etc. You cannot replace that, and not only that – everyone knows that the more people that love a child and are in their lives for their best interests it can only benefit a child. That’s what was thrown away in August 2013. We were thrown away like we didn’t matter - but we did matter and we could have played a significant role in Sonny’s life.

And if he had come in that day all I was interested in was chatting to him to see how he was getting on, talk about this school and his life. I don’t know if Jacqui would have pressed for more information but I wouldn’t have, I just wanted to let him know he wasn’t in trouble in anyway and that we could be mates again, I just wanted to be his Dad for him.

When I got home that day obviously everyone was really upset when I told them what had happened. They were all astounded that this could happen after all the years we had spent with Sony previously, it was all quite shocking to them. I pondered what to do next or what to say and in the end I decided to reach out to him again via text, just to let him know that everything was ok –

“Hi Sonny, hope your ok....listen don't worry about this morning, I understand you might have been a bit nervous but it was great to see you even if it was only for a about 6 seconds! From what I could see you have grown a bit, I bet you’re bigger than your Grandad Ken now! That tracksuit you had on was really smart, it looked like Adidas, a bit like the Argentina track suits that Aguero wears....I know a lot of people where Nike nowadays but I still think Adidas are the best for those clothes....anyway what I want you to remember is sometimes in life you have to get on and do things, it's all part of greying up, even when you don't want to because you might be a bit nervous like today but more often than not those things never turn out to be anywhere near as worrying as you first thought, there has been loads of times in my life when that has happened - I know you find things hard sometimes but you do need to trust me, I'm your Dad remember and I would never do anything unless I thought it was right for you x Finally, you must always remember that you are not in trouble and you haven't done anything wrong, I promise you that...I suppose it could be difficult to fully understand what's going on but I promise it's not a bad thing and certainly nothing you should be getting concerns about, if you had stayed a bit this morning I would have explained this too you....Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I'm always thinking about you, every single day, we're always talking about you and we all love you very much - Remember if you ever need a quick chat about anything I'm always available, you just have to let me know. Love Dad x”

Ultimately though this sent us back in the direction of the courts. Unfortunately I knew that because Sonny had behaved in such a way and that it would likely lead to Sonny being assessed by a pediatrician who would review him but this was where we were at. I honestly did think that would been the line that Sarah drew. I didn’t think she would have allowed Sonny to be psychologically assessed; I didn’t think she’d have put him through it. I thought she would reach out to me to try and resolve it on our terms away from CAFCASS, pediatricians etc but she didn’t, she let it happen.

So the next steps were for Sonny to be assessed medically to establish more about his state of mind and to try and establish the root of what was going on, so that was what we had to wait on and if I’m honest this was the start of the end of what was my 2nd and last court action against Sarah.

Whilst I wasn't aware this was the beginning of for us what I was conscious of was how time was passing us by. When Sonny left that day it felt like we were close to something but it just evaporated. It felt like I'd been swimming against the tide, I'd just got close to the land but I couldn't quite get their and the tide pulled me back out again. It felt like a dream where I wa reaching out to Sonny with my arms and he was just looking at me walking away. I was a strange feeling but one that felt real, and it just felt like more time was slipping away.

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