Do I ever cry?

Not a very manly thing to say and I've never talked about this to anyone but when you have you child took off you it leaves an emptiness in the pit of your gut. A strange feeling, almost like you can't get your breath, like you can't quite satisfy your breathing, like you're heart is beating irregularly.

When I sat to build this post today, it wasn't meant to be this one - there is a long list of post's for upload and this was potentially one of them but I wasn't sure if I could write it or whether I wanted to, but whilst I sat thinking about Sonny I started to feel upset - about him, and then I remembered this post so I thought now is the time to write it.

Have I cried for Sonny over the years, sure and mainly out of frustration at what his Mum did. I don't cry easily and I think I understand why I haven't cried as much as some Dad's do.

Obviously it isn't because I don't love him, that's without question. It's because from the moment Sarah told me she was pregnant with him and the sudden reality of the impending alienation I knew there and then my opportunity to be a Dad to Sonny was out of my control.

I knew that no matter how hard I tried or wished or prayed I had little influence over how close I could get to Sonny, that power was in the hands of Sarah and Margaret.

And because I had not control I automatically and naturally locked myself into a mindset that I couldn't change anything and I had to be stoic about how I went about building a relationship with Sonny.

I knew there would be more down's than up's and I couldn't live a life were my emotions were dictated too by Sarah and her family - I had to be pragmatic.

All that being said, I've cried -I've cried enough. I've realised that whilst to refrain from breaking down over losing Sonny I suppress my feelings and when I start to feel upset I get up move around, do something to knock to edge off the inevitable happening but sometimes it catch's me cold and before I know it........

One thing I found quite overwhelming, was an advert that was on television several years ago. It knocked me over and I found it extremely difficult to watch. I didn't fully understand where the advert was going at the time, it was just a Dad talking to his son.

As the dialogue developed and just as I realised what had happened and what the advert was about a teacher steps in and says " Ben, can you come with me please"

Wow, that advert shook me to my boots - the innocence of the young lad talking to his Dad, unsure why he was where, and then....he's gone....and then the realisation that he was about to be told that his Dad had died.

Still to this day, its chokes me up - I see me in that room and I see Sonny saying "Dad, what you doing here?" That moment brings everything that had happened since the 24th of September 2004 surging up from deep inside me, all the frustration all the loss, all the suffering, all the time that has been stolen from us - every second that I have not been allowed to see Sonny surges out of me when I imagine me and Sonny in that scene.

So yes I do cry, from time to time it get's the better of me - I suppose it does help, it get's out all that upset that's been buried over the years.

Even today, sat writing this I've had to take a few breaks, it's without doubt the hardest thing I ever wrote. Sometime Dad's need a hug as well.

I love you Sonny, I really love you and I miss you every single minute of every single day x

Dad x

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